This is NOT a Vacation

Some people call Peace Corps Bulgaria the "Posh Corps". We have internet. We have access to shops, transportation, and some of us even have washing machines. I understand the term. But some people think that having these conveniences makes our service less difficult. That we may even be on a vacation of sorts.

Well, we are not. We struggle just as much as other volunteers in other countries do. We, too are trying to navigate through a completely different language, culture and expectations. We wake up to unfamiliar views outside our windows and wander around towns where we are stared at continuously. Though we may have some of the conveniences of "home", sometimes it makes being here even harder.

Some days I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to sit and not contribute. I don't know how to wait. I want things to happen in my time frame. I want to understand. Not just the language, but the culture. I want to know why I can't have all the information now. I want to feel relaxed. I want to be looked at like a member of the community, not the outsider. I want more time to think.

Sometimes here is harder than if I would've gone to say, Africa. That to me is the quintesential Peace Corps experience. The one that everyone understands. Living in a grass hut, etc. etc. But here, there are large cities with all kinds of shopping, food, and other worldly things. I can get almost any name brand thing I want. I just have to travel to find it. That makes this all even harder. The juxtaposition of life in a village and the metropolis of the big cities is huge. Talk about a GAP. The potential here is so great, yet sometimes it seems so out of reach.

Then that begs the question, "Is western influence necessary?" I like that I walk everywhere. That my food is as "organic" as you can get. That chopping wood, hand washing clothes and making a meal for a meal's sake each day is not only necessary, but enjoyable. Is convenience such a good thing? We are used to it at home and don't even think about it most days. If we want to go visit someone, we just get in our car and drive. Here I have to coordinate train and bus schedules along with where will I stay because getting somewhere is easier than getting home. I can't just grab a quick bus to the next town over to see a friend (regardless that she only lives a 20 min. car ride away). But I don't take these things for granted anymore. It makes the times spent with people more precious. And to note, back home everyone is trying to get away from "convenience" and are turning to "homemade". So why do we want things to be faster here. See the problem? I want things faster yet at the same time I love the slower paced life. This is no vacation.

Some people forget. They make it about themselves. Why don't you write more.... Well, I'm trying to learn a language, make meaningful relationships here, teach children to care, find my inspiration, and somedays try to find the good. So this is my explaination. It's hard here. It's hard to hear about life back home. It's hard to care about things that go on there when it sounds selfish to even have those issues here. Your job is hard, your principal is not understanding, your snowblower doesn't work, you don't have heat, you want a new car, your boyfriend doesn't call you everyday, you don't have any money. It's hard to keep the ties.

But, I wouldn't change this experience for anything in the world. I've learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I ever thought I would. I've found my voice in some ways. I have to ask for what I want and what I need. I don't feel bad saying that. I have more patience than I thought I could ever possess. And I thought I was patient before. I am stronger, older, more confident, more caring, happier, and more creative. As hard as it can be here, some days I can't picture myself leaving. I can't picture myself going "home". Maybe this is the stepping stone for a life abroad.

Ok enough rambling. Hope this gives you an idea of how I'm handling myself here. The next post hopefully will be more descriptive about Bulgaria. My town and it's people.

I'm Not An Orgy Cuddler

Having said that, I am a monogamous cuddler. What I mean, I can handle one person at a time. And most days, I can't even handle that. I've read Adrienne's blog where she described a conversation with her friend about the appropriate amount of time to wait until you call a person of interest back. Is there a time limit? Is there a game to be played? I've come to the conclusion that there is. Is today my day to call or is it his? When he said he was going to be on Skype tonight does that mean my time or his? Or does that mean he'll be on talking to others and not me? How long is too long? How much is too much?

I just got an email from a friend of mine at home where she spills her vulnerability out like a gaping wound. It's difficult to put yourself out there for someone and then be left dangling. I know, I've been there. Is he really just busy, or just too busy for me? How do we let ourselves feel, yet guard the most precious of ourselves?

I am the type of person to give my all to you. If I feel that you are worthy, and by worthy, I really mean needy, then I will give you everything. Never mind what I need. I will give you my money, my time, my heart, my soul. I will bleed myself dry for you. And where has that gotten me? Nowhere.

So I instead of finding the balance, I swing the other way, like a midevil pendulum. I give you nothing. I guard myself only allowing the parts of me to show that I allow. Nothing fazes me, nothing hurts me. I am carefree. And where has that gotten me? Nowhere either.

Here is what I wrote to that friend back home today. Good luck out there everyone. Sending stars to you all!

Don't feel bad about "letting someone in". It's a good thing. It means we care. Sometimes I forget that I have that capability. Mostly I just feel numb towards everything, relying on my "fight or flight" instinct. I've been here 6 months and I am still waiting "for the other shoe to drop". Like something will go wrong. Maybe I'm afraid that my capability to love is too big. That once I start letting everyone and anyone in I won't be able to let go and that scares me, because I know that I will have to.

Take Care. Don't let your head get the best of you. Try to keep talking to him. Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Once you know you can act. Not knowing means not acting. That's the hardest thing. Just a little something I learned lately. Still trying to act on it myself.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!

3rd Grade Trying to help.

It's Halloween time here in Bulgaria. Now at home, I generally don't do much for Halloween. I mean I don't even really like it. It's always so hard to come up with a costume idea that is cute yet easy. At school we don't really celebrate it. I mean it's middle school so they can't dress up at school and they are too old for the games that they played in elementary school. Some go trick-or-treating, but they are at the age where it's too old.

But here, Halloween in new. It's a novel idea and everyone loves it! My 6th graders had a great time playing BINGO and "Wrap the Mummy" with toilet paper. They made masks and LOVED the candy.

My 3rd graders today were even more excited. They wore their own costumes and we made witch's hats. The hats were then turned upside to catch candy.

Even my counterpart got in the mood. It's funny because I can be as corny and clownish as the next elementary teacher. But to see my generally reserved counterpart put on a mask, then put on a witch's hat and "fly" around the room on her broom, it was pretty impressive. The kids liked it too.

So now I have one more grade to go: 7th. I'm sure they will be "too cool" to really get into the games or wearing the masks they decorated the other day. But who knows? Maybe they will surprise me.

Happy Halloween to all you ghosts and gobblins!

5 Months-- Already?

These are from a bar in Sophia. It's totally lit by candles. Beautiful.

So I've been here 5 months. Here's what I've learned so far:

1. When giving flowers, give an odd number. Even numbers of flowers are for the dead.

2. Never kiss in a doorway. It's bad luck.

3. When you get scared blow down your shirt. Not sure why. Maybe cool the nerves?

4. Never make a plan for anything. You can have a vague idea of what you want to happen, but when it doesn't you're not disappointed.

5. The afternoon почивка (nap, break,rest) is the best thing ever. Everyone should try it.

6. Traveling is an all day experience, even if you are only going a few hundred miles. I recently went to visit a friend and took: 2 busses, a train, a trolley and a taxi.

7. Timing is everything. But don't plan and always have a backup.

8. I can make a MEAN chicken nugget.

9. Being cold in the U.S is NOT the same as being cold in Bulgaria.

10. Things will happen in due time.

11. Bulgarian men are hard to understand.

12. When in doubt, dance it out.

13. Education is not the same everywhere, but children are.

14. Bulgaria let's me be myself without judgment.

15. I still HATE сирене and кашкавал. (Bulgarian cheese)

It's been a crazy, emotional, and exciting journey so far. I can't believe I'm almost 1/4 of the way done. The B24's just left last week and I miss them. I didn't know many of them, but the idea of them is missed. I am at the beginning and they are at the end. I wonder how they feel. Is it weird to think about going back to the Untied States? As much a I miss home sometimes, I'm not sure I could go back right now. I'm just getting used to it here and in 2 years, after I've invested my life, my love, my whole being, will I be able to leave? Those who know me, know that I don't like change and when I do decide on something, it's hard to let go. But, I'm only 5 months in. I am more worried now about making lasting relationships with the people here and with the education of the children. And what a challenge.

I've been thinking about my life before Bulgaria and how it's prepared me for being here.

Here's what has helped.

1. Living with my parents saved my sanity living with my baba and now my landlord and her family. Always being watched and questioned. Patience. I have A LOT!

2. Listening and helping friends--- self explanatory

3. Having my friend Christine tell me to talk softer--- I am never the LOUD American in a group.

4. Working with Special Education students. They need patience and life lessons. So do the children here. Many lesson plans I used back home with them are working here.

5. Cheryl Anderson. Love her and her style of teaching. I try daily to invoke her presence in my classroom. She could reform the WHOLE Bulgarian educational system if she were here.

6. My younger self. I've reconnected with her and she's fun. Watch out kids. Dancing and singing in the classroom is coming soon.

7. My smile still works. People respond to smiles and I am always smiling.

So to wrap up 5 months; I'm still happy with my decision and have made so many new friends and new experiences. I am excited to see what the next 5 will bring.

So Far

First Day of School: Children come on September 15th to bring flowers for their teacher and get their books. The older students also put on a program and sing for the new incoming Kindergardeners. It's a sweet day. Just look at these precious faces.

It's been a busy month. School started and though it's been fun, it has also been challenging. But the thing is, it's not much different than at home. Students are always trying to push the boundaries, show off for each other and get away with doing as little as possible. It's now up to me to figure out how to keep their attention while making sure they learn something. All while trying to keep myself motivated and improve my Bulgarian.

No wonder I got sick.

The weather is changing. It's chilly in the mornings and by lunch, the sun can be almost hot. As I traveled this weekend, I saw trees beginning to change. I can't wait to watch summer turn into fall into winter.

These pretty pears were enjoying the sun in friend's kitchen.

I also ran a 5k in Koynare, Bulgaria. The volunteers there asked for Volunteer participants. The race has been happening for many years. It was fun to be a part of it. We added a more relaxed, less "race" feel to the day. I think everyone enjoyed watching us run. We posed for pictures after. What a fun thing to say I did. It was also a good opportunity to get myself back into a running mindset. Now that the weather is cooler I am excited to run more. I've done a little, and the local Babas like to watch. Sometimes I get a "bravo" as I run by. It's cute.

So lastly, on a more pensive note, I've been wondering why I'm here. I am trying to be in every moment, but it's hard. I often project ahead to what will be happening, or what I want to be happening. I read other's blogs and think that I'm not doing enough. But then, what is too little, enough or too much. I try daily to use more Bulgarian, to say "Hello" to at least one more person than I did yesterday, and to plan a productive lesson for my students. Is that enough?

Enough for this post.

Why Do You Blog?

So, I've been reading a lot of different blogs lately, and with the overcast day and emotions running high, I've decided to post my journal from today.

Why do you blog?

Is it to say something in the privacy and anonymity of a bubble? Or to give a detailed and itemized description of what you ate? To keep your family apprised on your adventures and goings on? Or is it a venue to give the world your view of the political shortcoming of a country? Maybe you blog when you don’t know what to say in the real world. Maybe when confronted with real life, you become overwhelmed and unable to properly embrace your feeling and ideas. It becomes easier to be an observer who never has to define or defend a single thought, value or ideal. It’s easy to take a back seat to life. To watch the world around you go by, never offering an insight or make a personal connection. The problem then becomes a question. Who are you? Or “How can you navigate life through words kept to yourself?” “What kind of personal connections can you make when you are the one sitting alone waiting for others to come to you?”

Sometimes writing is good for the soul. You can describe things and feel things on a different level. The stork chattering to its mate or the e.e. cummings like view on a balcony can only be described in words. It makes sense. But sometimes you need to use those words. Hiding won’t work. You think you don’t have to worry about what people consider important or how your ideas and feelings will affect them. But the sad thing is that in hiding you are underestimating the company you keep. You could be the one to inspire or transform, but instead you are play acting; showing the world one face and writing the world another.

It becomes difficult to tell the difference. What happens when you can’t speak the convictions of your soul? What do you become? A dreamer? Maybe you become someone who can’t take a man at his word. Maybe when a man says he’s bad, he is. Sometimes people are not hiding behind words, sometimes they are speaking the truth and it takes practice to hear it.

So the answer is to speak. Be courageous. Only by talking can we be heard. Writing about it later can’t change things now. Don’t use others’ words as your own. Don’t use others’ experiences as yours. Be in the moment. Don’t let your song be under your breath. You want a mate, a friend, a relationship? Then “be”.

Is this being too sentimental? We feel. Sometimes not all at once. Sometimes in our quietest moments we feel the most. Sometimes we are taught by experiences that feeling outwardly will get us hurt, so we show only a little at a time. But if we only feel inwardly, we won’t get what we want outwardly. And though we want someone to “get” us, to really understand our innermost feelings, we must start by saying. We must be vulnerable not only in our quietest moments, but in the loudest ones too. Only when we allow ourselves to shine through, can we have the kind of relationships we are inwardly hoping for.

This is what I hope my blog is. This and a description of the food I ate, my thoughts about being in a country very different than my own, my adventures and searches to find the perfect pair of shoes, because that’s who I am.

Love for Donkeys

So, when I left my village a few weeks ago and came here I wondered if I'd miss the country life. At first it was quiet and peaceful. I found myself sleeping later, wondering around my apartment in the quiet wondering what was missing. Then it hit me. Where are the animals?

Now, I come from the city via the suburbs of Minneapolis. The only animals one might hear are some squirrels scratching at the window screen, a random dog in the yard which is silenced by an owner's harsh word, and on occasion a domestic argument. But here, I lived at the very end of town. I had chickens, turkeys, 2 dogs, and a goat. The neighbors had goats, horses, cows, chickens, pigeons, and various dogs and cats. There was ALWAYS noise. If not from barnyard animals, then from the plethora of children in the neighborhood yelling and playing all day and all night.

I woke every morning to my rooster. It even came with a snooze alarm. I had a 4:30 wake up call, followed by a 5:30, 6:00 and 6:30 snooze button. On the way to the bathroom I'd pass my rooster and his lovely lady friend, a plump turkey who idolized him, following him around all day long. They would follow me to the "bathroom" and stand guard as I did my business and said,"Good Morning" to the neighbor's goat who liked to eat next to my outhouse.

On the way to school I pass the cow calves chained to the corner and my donkey who oversaw my whole neighborhood. To give directions I would say "Walk down this road until you come to my donkey and turn right." My sisters are probably laughing because they are the animal lovers, rescuing cats, dogs, horses; anything that might need love. They are used to the smell of animal feces on the road and the ability to side step poop while walking. I on the other hand have had my head down for 2 months making sure I didn't ruin my shoes.

So here, in my new place, I began to miss the noise. Until..... one day not too long after I moved in.........I heard it. The complaining braying of a donkey. Looking out my window I discovered not one, but 2! And each stood guard on the corners of my street. Now I can say again, "Go to the end of the street, turn right at the donkey." They are the guardians of my neighborhood.

I am home.