Well, we are not. We struggle just as much as other volunteers in other countries do. We, too are trying to navigate through a completely different language, culture and expectations. We wake up to unfamiliar views outside our windows and wander around towns where we are stared at continuously. Though we may have some of the conveniences of "home", sometimes it makes being here even harder.
Some days I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to sit and not contribute. I don't know how to wait. I want things to happen in my time frame. I want to understand. Not just the language, but the culture. I want to know why I can't have all the information now. I want to feel relaxed. I want to be looked at like a member of the community, not the outsider. I want more time to think.
Sometimes here is harder than if I would've gone to say, Africa. That to me is the quintesential Peace Corps experience. The one that everyone understands. Living in a grass hut, etc. etc. But here, there are large cities with all kinds of shopping, food, and other worldly things. I can get almost any name brand thing I want. I just have to travel to find it. That makes this all even harder. The juxtaposition of life in a village and the metropolis of the big cities is huge. Talk about a GAP. The potential here is so great, yet sometimes it seems so out of reach.
Then that begs the question, "Is western influence necessary?" I like that I walk everywhere. That my food is as "organic" as you can get. That chopping wood, hand washing clothes and making a meal for a meal's sake each day is not only necessary, but enjoyable. Is convenience such a good thing? We are used to it at home and don't even think about it most days. If we want to go visit someone, we just get in our car and drive. Here I have to coordinate train and bus schedules along with where will I stay because getting somewhere is easier than getting home. I can't just grab a quick bus to the next town over to see a friend (regardless that she only lives a 20 min. car ride away). But I don't take these things for granted anymore. It makes the times spent with people more precious. And to note, back home everyone is trying to get away from "convenience" and are turning to "homemade". So why do we want things to be faster here. See the problem? I want things faster yet at the same time I love the slower paced life. This is no vacation.
Some people forget. They make it about themselves. Why don't you write more.... Well, I'm trying to learn a language, make meaningful relationships here, teach children to care, find my inspiration, and somedays try to find the good. So this is my explaination. It's hard here. It's hard to hear about life back home. It's hard to care about things that go on there when it sounds selfish to even have those issues here. Your job is hard, your principal is not understanding, your snowblower doesn't work, you don't have heat, you want a new car, your boyfriend doesn't call you everyday, you don't have any money. It's hard to keep the ties.
But, I wouldn't change this experience for anything in the world. I've learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I ever thought I would. I've found my voice in some ways. I have to ask for what I want and what I need. I don't feel bad saying that. I have more patience than I thought I could ever possess. And I thought I was patient before. I am stronger, older, more confident, more caring, happier, and more creative. As hard as it can be here, some days I can't picture myself leaving. I can't picture myself going "home". Maybe this is the stepping stone for a life abroad.
Ok enough rambling. Hope this gives you an idea of how I'm handling myself here. The next post hopefully will be more descriptive about Bulgaria. My town and it's people.
