Having said that, I am a monogamous cuddler. What I mean, I can handle one person at a time. And most days, I can't even handle that. I've read Adrienne's blog where she described a conversation with her friend about the appropriate amount of time to wait until you call a person of interest back. Is there a time limit? Is there a game to be played? I've come to the conclusion that there is. Is today my day to call or is it his? When he said he was going to be on Skype tonight does that mean my time or his? Or does that mean he'll be on talking to others and not me? How long is too long? How much is too much?
I just got an email from a friend of mine at home where she spills her vulnerability out like a gaping wound. It's difficult to put yourself out there for someone and then be left dangling. I know, I've been there. Is he really just busy, or just too busy for me? How do we let ourselves feel, yet guard the most precious of ourselves?
I am the type of person to give my all to you. If I feel that you are worthy, and by worthy, I really mean needy, then I will give you everything. Never mind what I need. I will give you my money, my time, my heart, my soul. I will bleed myself dry for you. And where has that gotten me? Nowhere.
So I instead of finding the balance, I swing the other way, like a midevil pendulum. I give you nothing. I guard myself only allowing the parts of me to show that I allow. Nothing fazes me, nothing hurts me. I am carefree. And where has that gotten me? Nowhere either.
Here is what I wrote to that friend back home today. Good luck out there everyone. Sending stars to you all!
Don't feel bad about "letting someone in". It's a good thing. It means we care. Sometimes I forget that I have that capability. Mostly I just feel numb towards everything, relying on my "fight or flight" instinct. I've been here 6 months and I am still waiting "for the other shoe to drop". Like something will go wrong. Maybe I'm afraid that my capability to love is too big. That once I start letting everyone and anyone in I won't be able to let go and that scares me, because I know that I will have to.
Take Care. Don't let your head get the best of you. Try to keep talking to him. Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Once you know you can act. Not knowing means not acting. That's the hardest thing. Just a little something I learned lately. Still trying to act on it myself.
